I want to try this again...

I stopped blogging for a while because I felt like I was inadequate. I felt like I wasn't "good" at blogging...and now I see how ridiculous that is and how that shows how negative I am about myself. Time to change that mind set!!

This time I am not going to blog because I am good at it, but because I enjoy it. The process of putting my thoughts into words and putting those words into space feels good. :)

My recovery has been going so well, I have moments (days or weeks even) when I truly feel happy about living in my body. I feel healthy, strong, active. How did this happen. God.

I am a Christian and feel that they way to truly being happy with yourself is surrendering to your creator. He made me. He made me with all my talents, flaws, and curly hair. He made you, chose you, and loves you. He is also waiting eagerly for us to turn to Him and say, "ok God, I can't do this, but I know you can...Help"

When I gave up my struggles with food and body image to Him, the results were amazing. I have never felt better about myself. Although I am still working everyday to put God first, I know that He is always there. He will never leave or abandon me and is always ready to fill me with Peace.

God is so great.

Great Saturday so far :)

It's sunny out today which always seems to lift my mood!

I had a great talk with my mom this morning about how she treated me and food when I was growing up. I think she did the best that she knew how to do, but I think that how I was raised has a lot to do with my ED now.

I think one of the most important things with recovery is facing these issues. A lot of times, EDs are the result of internalizing emotions, problems, etc. When you face them head on and work towards solving them, healing begins to happen. You just have to be brave enough to face your fears those emotions and relationships. Once that happens though, life looks so much better.

So my new goal is if I have anxiety, anger, frustration, is to not let it simmer by internalizing it but facing it head on. To figure out why something went wrong and work towards overcoming it. :)

Neglected.

I have been neglecting this poor blog.

Recently, I feel like I have been relying a lot on food. I look for food when I am bored. I am usually not satisfied after I eat. I feel bad for needing to eat. Shouldn't we all just be fine with no calories? My mind has not been with it when it comes to recovery.

This has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't been mediating at all lately (hmmmm, see a trend?) and I haven't been recording my food for my dietician. These things are there to help me stay in recovery and to keep me accountable when I am on my own. I neeeeeeed to continue with them!! (This is me telling myself to do that)

I have also been struggling with being social. I get anxious if I have commitments with people because all I want to do is stay in my pajamas and sleep. I need to talk with my counselor about this because I feel like it could be my depression poking its head out.

I feel guilty when I don't do things with people. I feel like if I did more things with people than I wouldn't be as tempted to engage in ED behavior. And then I end up canceling, which makes me feel more guilty. Its just a big guilt trap and I am sick of it.

This post is everywhere, but thats kind of where I feel like my mind is right now.

Struggling....

Hello all,

The last few days have been....hard. I posted a while ago how I couldn't even imagine going back to my ED ways, and yet here I am. It started with my Dad not really giving a crap that I had an ED and my mom making comments about my eating habits mixed with my insecurities made me go over the edge. I turned to food, which turned to purging, which turned to food....you get the idea.

I have been encouraging a lot of people lately to embrace their bodies, love themselves, and yet I am finding it a huge struggle lately. I am at the heaviest weight since losing weight last semester and it is making me really insecure. I am seeing myself as failing because I am not "skinny" anymore. As I type this I see how utterly ridiculous that is. I am worth so much more than my weight and image, and yet when I see myself heavier, thats all I see.

So, my goal for the day is to eat when I am hungry, listen to my body and respect myself no matter what my size is, because I deserve that. Lets see how this goes :)

Dads

My parents got divorced when I was in 5th grade and since then I have lived primarily with my mom. My relationship with my dad has been rocky. I have never heard the words "you are beautiful" or "I am so proud of you" or "I am so happy you are my daughter". Nope. Not from him. He loves me, I know that. He just has troubles showing love and affection and it has been really hard to say the least.

I don't know about your insurance for dietitians, but my insurance doesn't cover the majority of that expense for my treatment of my ED. Huge frustration. So I had to make the dreaded call to my dad and ask for help with covering the cost. I had not told him that I had an ED, but in order to explain why I needed the money to see a dietician, the truth came out. And what did I hear on the other end.......silence. No comment about how hard this must be for me, or how I was doing, or how he could help. He provided the money but then said that I better not call and ask for any more.

My heart is aching right now. I want his admiration, approval, and love so badly.

Happy :)

I am content right now. I love the moments in recovery where you feel like your life consumed with the ED was so long ago. When seeing yourself living like that seems absolutely ridiculous and you see no reason to go back to that. Where you look in the mirror and are happy with the woman smiling back at you. Yes, those are great moments.

I recently came across this quote “You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.”

-C.S. Lewis

It got me to thinking about how my body allows me to have passions, it allows me to love my mother, my boyfriend, my friends. It allows me to experience God on this earth before I get to see Him in heaven. I am so much more than my body! My body is just the case that all these wonderful qualities, passions, and emotions are carried in.

Just my thoughts today!

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Yup. That sums it up :-/ I didn't take my medication today so that is probably why I am in a funky mood. I have been forgetting that a lot lately, probably not the best plan. Today feels like I have weights from all the challenges rested on my shoulders. Im walking around, trying so hard to make it through, but it...is...so....hard.

I made honey glazed salmon with sesame green beans for dinner (yummm) but I was just restless about it. I ate dinner and then I was thinking how good it would feel to just eat my pain away and then purge. When you are at your breaking point emotionally, that release feels so good. However, I can tell that I am learning and recovering because (drum rollllllll) I left the house. I didn't give in to the evil ED voice.

I went to the gym. Not the best place but better than B/P. I worked myself too hard, just so frustrated with everything that I was punishing myself for existing, for needing food, for all the failures. I just wanted to get off the stair master and cry....for a long time. I would be the crazy girl who had a break down at the gym. nice.

I had volleyball after that with some friends which was a God send because it made me be around laughter and fun people. Didn't totally help, but looking back on the night there were so many times where I could have let the stress of everything make me fall victim to ED. But I didn't!!! So as shitty as I felt, as overwhelmed as I was, I made other choices. Not so bad. Just have to keep realizing that recovery is worth it. I am worth more than killing my body.

Goodnight all