Yup. That sums it up :-/ I didn't take my medication today so that is probably why I am in a funky mood. I have been forgetting that a lot lately, probably not the best plan. Today feels like I have weights from all the challenges rested on my shoulders. Im walking around, trying so hard to make it through, but it...is...so....hard.
I made honey glazed salmon with sesame green beans for dinner (yummm) but I was just restless about it. I ate dinner and then I was thinking how good it would feel to just eat my pain away and then purge. When you are at your breaking point emotionally, that release feels so good. However, I can tell that I am learning and recovering because (drum rollllllll) I left the house. I didn't give in to the evil ED voice.
I went to the gym. Not the best place but better than B/P. I worked myself too hard, just so frustrated with everything that I was punishing myself for existing, for needing food, for all the failures. I just wanted to get off the stair master and cry....for a long time. I would be the crazy girl who had a break down at the gym. nice.
I had volleyball after that with some friends which was a God send because it made me be around laughter and fun people. Didn't totally help, but looking back on the night there were so many times where I could have let the stress of everything make me fall victim to ED. But I didn't!!! So as shitty as I felt, as overwhelmed as I was, I made other choices. Not so bad. Just have to keep realizing that recovery is worth it. I am worth more than killing my body.
Goodnight all
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