Struggling....

Hello all,

The last few days have been....hard. I posted a while ago how I couldn't even imagine going back to my ED ways, and yet here I am. It started with my Dad not really giving a crap that I had an ED and my mom making comments about my eating habits mixed with my insecurities made me go over the edge. I turned to food, which turned to purging, which turned to food....you get the idea.

I have been encouraging a lot of people lately to embrace their bodies, love themselves, and yet I am finding it a huge struggle lately. I am at the heaviest weight since losing weight last semester and it is making me really insecure. I am seeing myself as failing because I am not "skinny" anymore. As I type this I see how utterly ridiculous that is. I am worth so much more than my weight and image, and yet when I see myself heavier, thats all I see.

So, my goal for the day is to eat when I am hungry, listen to my body and respect myself no matter what my size is, because I deserve that. Lets see how this goes :)

Dads

My parents got divorced when I was in 5th grade and since then I have lived primarily with my mom. My relationship with my dad has been rocky. I have never heard the words "you are beautiful" or "I am so proud of you" or "I am so happy you are my daughter". Nope. Not from him. He loves me, I know that. He just has troubles showing love and affection and it has been really hard to say the least.

I don't know about your insurance for dietitians, but my insurance doesn't cover the majority of that expense for my treatment of my ED. Huge frustration. So I had to make the dreaded call to my dad and ask for help with covering the cost. I had not told him that I had an ED, but in order to explain why I needed the money to see a dietician, the truth came out. And what did I hear on the other end.......silence. No comment about how hard this must be for me, or how I was doing, or how he could help. He provided the money but then said that I better not call and ask for any more.

My heart is aching right now. I want his admiration, approval, and love so badly.

Happy :)

I am content right now. I love the moments in recovery where you feel like your life consumed with the ED was so long ago. When seeing yourself living like that seems absolutely ridiculous and you see no reason to go back to that. Where you look in the mirror and are happy with the woman smiling back at you. Yes, those are great moments.

I recently came across this quote “You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.”

-C.S. Lewis

It got me to thinking about how my body allows me to have passions, it allows me to love my mother, my boyfriend, my friends. It allows me to experience God on this earth before I get to see Him in heaven. I am so much more than my body! My body is just the case that all these wonderful qualities, passions, and emotions are carried in.

Just my thoughts today!

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Yup. That sums it up :-/ I didn't take my medication today so that is probably why I am in a funky mood. I have been forgetting that a lot lately, probably not the best plan. Today feels like I have weights from all the challenges rested on my shoulders. Im walking around, trying so hard to make it through, but it...is...so....hard.

I made honey glazed salmon with sesame green beans for dinner (yummm) but I was just restless about it. I ate dinner and then I was thinking how good it would feel to just eat my pain away and then purge. When you are at your breaking point emotionally, that release feels so good. However, I can tell that I am learning and recovering because (drum rollllllll) I left the house. I didn't give in to the evil ED voice.

I went to the gym. Not the best place but better than B/P. I worked myself too hard, just so frustrated with everything that I was punishing myself for existing, for needing food, for all the failures. I just wanted to get off the stair master and cry....for a long time. I would be the crazy girl who had a break down at the gym. nice.

I had volleyball after that with some friends which was a God send because it made me be around laughter and fun people. Didn't totally help, but looking back on the night there were so many times where I could have let the stress of everything make me fall victim to ED. But I didn't!!! So as shitty as I felt, as overwhelmed as I was, I made other choices. Not so bad. Just have to keep realizing that recovery is worth it. I am worth more than killing my body.

Goodnight all

Horses...God's greatest gift

My mother next to her faithful companion Solomon at Hope Well Ranch. My mother was a horse mom=taking me to shows at 5am, buying over priced equipment, paying for entry fees, scooping poop, etc since I was 8 until I graduated from college. Pretty much she was the reason that I got to have a horse and enjoy the equestrian sport.

However, my mother was always terrified of riding horses because she had a bad fall when she was younger. So she spent years around horses with me but was terrified of getting on them. As you can see to the left <=, she rode today. I couldn't have been more happy for her. To accomplish your biggest fear in life takes a lot of courage. Good job mom :)

It got me thinking about recovery and what matters in life. So much of my view pre-recovery was based on how much I weighed. I thought that if I gained one pound that people would view me differently. Which led me to go to extremes to not let that happen, which led to bulimia, and the rest is a horrible history.

What really matters though? Enjoying life. Living your dreams. Facing your fears. Loving with all that you are. Because at the end of the day people aren't going to remember what size you were or how much you worked out that day. What they will remember is how big you lived. And I want to live BIG. I want to Love BIG. and I want to dream BIG.

Good job Mom!

Be The Change

Hello world :)

It has been a rough passed few days. Friend struggles added with anxiety added with ED=not good. However, a good meeting with the treatment team and I am back on track.

Anyway, I have been thinking about friendships. Particularly between women, and how those friendships help spread the negative view of women. Kind of a weird thought? It starts with women desiring to be what society considers beautiful. (Thinner the better, gotta lose more weight, perfect face, make up, hair, etc). Then they share these ideas with their friends, and their friends don't want to be left out...thus the cycle continues. I want to BE THE CHANGE! Stop the negative Body Talk. I don't want to hear it. Its boring, and frankly, I would rather listen to something more interesting.

If you do that, then your friends will catch on, and then their friends, and the awesome cycle starts!! So go for it....be the voice.

Recipe Cooking....What?!?!

I decided a while ago that I wanted to become good at cooking. By this I mean that I want to have a few staple recipes, know how to season appropriately and develop a sense of what flavors go together. I brought up the idea to my mom about picking a new recipe once a week and having an evening of grocery shopping, cooking, and enjoying really good food. Starting tonight, this is going to become a weekly tradition.

Tonights menu includes.....

Butternut squash soup

Baguette

White wine

Pumpkin dessert bread and coffee or tea

I am really excited to see how this turns out! If anyone has favorite dinner recipes feel free to share!!

Happy Living!

So I pulled out my business card for my counselor and looked at the date only to realize that my appointment was....yesterday. At that moment I was frantically looking for a hole in the ground that I could burry myself in for, lets say, eternity. Lets also say that I had just ordered a scone and tea, oh perfect! I have food right in front of me and my anxiety is through the roof.

Today has been difficult. Not for eating, but just annoying. I had a speech today that was painful, mumbling through it and leaving out a big part of what I was talking about. nice. Sometimes the world just has a negative vibe about it. Today was a negative vibe day.

Tuesday...

I don't know about you, but there are some days that are a struggle to get out of bed. It was 10:00 before I could peal my body out of bed, and even then I was still tired! Whats up with that?! Besides being pretty tired today, it has been alright....not excellent but taking it one moment at a time.

I have recently been exploring the idea of actually getting dressed for class. You know, not sweatpants type of clothes. I am not trying to impress anyone, but I feel better about myself when I put a little effort into what my wardrobe looks like. Another reason for this is that being some what of a shopaholic, I have a lot of clothes and I never where them! So trying to put those outfits to use. I don't mind taking the time to do it either, it makes me feel like I can do more throughout the day. I don't know the psychology behind that one, but i'll take it when I can.

So although I did wear a cute outfit (I think so anyway) today, I still felt a little bad about my appearance. I have not weighed myself for about a week (Yay me!) but I feel like I have gained a few pounds (max 3 is my guess). And when I look in the mirror, I think ummm gross. I hate that. So although today is one of those days where I would love to sign up for the latest diet, I know that what I am doing is healthy! I am not bingeing, I am eating delicious enjoyable meals. I am not purging because I feel good about the food that I am putting into my body. So when the little voice comes into my head that says "you would look so much better 5 lbs lighter" I am going to try my best to stomp its little head into the ground. I look good, I am healthy, I am happy. I am engaging in healthy behaviors. I am loved and cherished. I do not deserve to feel like I need to lose weight. Because I don't need to!

So, one day at a time my love. You are cherished and precious. You are more than what you weigh!! Go easy on yourself on those rough days.

Weekend

The funeral for Emily was on Saturday. It was rainy and cold, almost as if the weather was grieving with us. Nothing hit me fully until I was in the big stone church, seeing her pictures at the entrance, not wanting this to be reality. There was so much pain and sadness among everyone, you could almost feel it. You could certainly see it on everyones faces. The pain that a light had been taken from this earth.

Two moments really stand out looking back on that day. One was when a family member was speaking about her life andhe said that in a teacher evaluation he said that Emily had the ability to make everyone feel important. She later told her parents that that was how she wanted to teach, or more like that was how she wanted to live her life. This was how she was. When you interacted with her you felt like you were part of something special. The second part was when the Roger family greeted the Lloyd family. Two families facing unbearable pain and able to embrace in each other and know that they are not alone. It was beautiful.

I hated the circumstances but I loved seeing the girls of Delta Gamma again. It made me think of what would have been if I stayed at Albion, but the world is full of what ifs. I am glad that I made those memories but I know that Central is where I am supposed to be right now. It was nice to know that they are still there though.

I had a small glimpse today of what life is supposed to be. It is supposed to be about love, friendships, quality time with the people that you love. Life is not about being skinny. People don't love you more if you are 10 pounds less. You don't love yourself if you are 10 pounds less. Your body is there for you to embrace others, to reach out to other people. Emily taught me that. When you give up your earthly body for others and for God, that is when you truly find yourself. Thanks Em for that lesson today:) I love you and cherish who you were and why you were in my life. I carry you with me.

LOVE,

Sarah