Great Saturday so far :)

It's sunny out today which always seems to lift my mood!

I had a great talk with my mom this morning about how she treated me and food when I was growing up. I think she did the best that she knew how to do, but I think that how I was raised has a lot to do with my ED now.

I think one of the most important things with recovery is facing these issues. A lot of times, EDs are the result of internalizing emotions, problems, etc. When you face them head on and work towards solving them, healing begins to happen. You just have to be brave enough to face your fears those emotions and relationships. Once that happens though, life looks so much better.

So my new goal is if I have anxiety, anger, frustration, is to not let it simmer by internalizing it but facing it head on. To figure out why something went wrong and work towards overcoming it. :)

Neglected.

I have been neglecting this poor blog.

Recently, I feel like I have been relying a lot on food. I look for food when I am bored. I am usually not satisfied after I eat. I feel bad for needing to eat. Shouldn't we all just be fine with no calories? My mind has not been with it when it comes to recovery.

This has a lot to do with the fact that I haven't been mediating at all lately (hmmmm, see a trend?) and I haven't been recording my food for my dietician. These things are there to help me stay in recovery and to keep me accountable when I am on my own. I neeeeeeed to continue with them!! (This is me telling myself to do that)

I have also been struggling with being social. I get anxious if I have commitments with people because all I want to do is stay in my pajamas and sleep. I need to talk with my counselor about this because I feel like it could be my depression poking its head out.

I feel guilty when I don't do things with people. I feel like if I did more things with people than I wouldn't be as tempted to engage in ED behavior. And then I end up canceling, which makes me feel more guilty. Its just a big guilt trap and I am sick of it.

This post is everywhere, but thats kind of where I feel like my mind is right now.

Struggling....

Hello all,

The last few days have been....hard. I posted a while ago how I couldn't even imagine going back to my ED ways, and yet here I am. It started with my Dad not really giving a crap that I had an ED and my mom making comments about my eating habits mixed with my insecurities made me go over the edge. I turned to food, which turned to purging, which turned to food....you get the idea.

I have been encouraging a lot of people lately to embrace their bodies, love themselves, and yet I am finding it a huge struggle lately. I am at the heaviest weight since losing weight last semester and it is making me really insecure. I am seeing myself as failing because I am not "skinny" anymore. As I type this I see how utterly ridiculous that is. I am worth so much more than my weight and image, and yet when I see myself heavier, thats all I see.

So, my goal for the day is to eat when I am hungry, listen to my body and respect myself no matter what my size is, because I deserve that. Lets see how this goes :)

Dads

My parents got divorced when I was in 5th grade and since then I have lived primarily with my mom. My relationship with my dad has been rocky. I have never heard the words "you are beautiful" or "I am so proud of you" or "I am so happy you are my daughter". Nope. Not from him. He loves me, I know that. He just has troubles showing love and affection and it has been really hard to say the least.

I don't know about your insurance for dietitians, but my insurance doesn't cover the majority of that expense for my treatment of my ED. Huge frustration. So I had to make the dreaded call to my dad and ask for help with covering the cost. I had not told him that I had an ED, but in order to explain why I needed the money to see a dietician, the truth came out. And what did I hear on the other end.......silence. No comment about how hard this must be for me, or how I was doing, or how he could help. He provided the money but then said that I better not call and ask for any more.

My heart is aching right now. I want his admiration, approval, and love so badly.

Happy :)

I am content right now. I love the moments in recovery where you feel like your life consumed with the ED was so long ago. When seeing yourself living like that seems absolutely ridiculous and you see no reason to go back to that. Where you look in the mirror and are happy with the woman smiling back at you. Yes, those are great moments.

I recently came across this quote “You don’t have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body.”

-C.S. Lewis

It got me to thinking about how my body allows me to have passions, it allows me to love my mother, my boyfriend, my friends. It allows me to experience God on this earth before I get to see Him in heaven. I am so much more than my body! My body is just the case that all these wonderful qualities, passions, and emotions are carried in.

Just my thoughts today!

BLAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Yup. That sums it up :-/ I didn't take my medication today so that is probably why I am in a funky mood. I have been forgetting that a lot lately, probably not the best plan. Today feels like I have weights from all the challenges rested on my shoulders. Im walking around, trying so hard to make it through, but it...is...so....hard.

I made honey glazed salmon with sesame green beans for dinner (yummm) but I was just restless about it. I ate dinner and then I was thinking how good it would feel to just eat my pain away and then purge. When you are at your breaking point emotionally, that release feels so good. However, I can tell that I am learning and recovering because (drum rollllllll) I left the house. I didn't give in to the evil ED voice.

I went to the gym. Not the best place but better than B/P. I worked myself too hard, just so frustrated with everything that I was punishing myself for existing, for needing food, for all the failures. I just wanted to get off the stair master and cry....for a long time. I would be the crazy girl who had a break down at the gym. nice.

I had volleyball after that with some friends which was a God send because it made me be around laughter and fun people. Didn't totally help, but looking back on the night there were so many times where I could have let the stress of everything make me fall victim to ED. But I didn't!!! So as shitty as I felt, as overwhelmed as I was, I made other choices. Not so bad. Just have to keep realizing that recovery is worth it. I am worth more than killing my body.

Goodnight all

Horses...God's greatest gift

My mother next to her faithful companion Solomon at Hope Well Ranch. My mother was a horse mom=taking me to shows at 5am, buying over priced equipment, paying for entry fees, scooping poop, etc since I was 8 until I graduated from college. Pretty much she was the reason that I got to have a horse and enjoy the equestrian sport.

However, my mother was always terrified of riding horses because she had a bad fall when she was younger. So she spent years around horses with me but was terrified of getting on them. As you can see to the left <=, she rode today. I couldn't have been more happy for her. To accomplish your biggest fear in life takes a lot of courage. Good job mom :)

It got me thinking about recovery and what matters in life. So much of my view pre-recovery was based on how much I weighed. I thought that if I gained one pound that people would view me differently. Which led me to go to extremes to not let that happen, which led to bulimia, and the rest is a horrible history.

What really matters though? Enjoying life. Living your dreams. Facing your fears. Loving with all that you are. Because at the end of the day people aren't going to remember what size you were or how much you worked out that day. What they will remember is how big you lived. And I want to live BIG. I want to Love BIG. and I want to dream BIG.

Good job Mom!

Be The Change

Hello world :)

It has been a rough passed few days. Friend struggles added with anxiety added with ED=not good. However, a good meeting with the treatment team and I am back on track.

Anyway, I have been thinking about friendships. Particularly between women, and how those friendships help spread the negative view of women. Kind of a weird thought? It starts with women desiring to be what society considers beautiful. (Thinner the better, gotta lose more weight, perfect face, make up, hair, etc). Then they share these ideas with their friends, and their friends don't want to be left out...thus the cycle continues. I want to BE THE CHANGE! Stop the negative Body Talk. I don't want to hear it. Its boring, and frankly, I would rather listen to something more interesting.

If you do that, then your friends will catch on, and then their friends, and the awesome cycle starts!! So go for it....be the voice.

Recipe Cooking....What?!?!

I decided a while ago that I wanted to become good at cooking. By this I mean that I want to have a few staple recipes, know how to season appropriately and develop a sense of what flavors go together. I brought up the idea to my mom about picking a new recipe once a week and having an evening of grocery shopping, cooking, and enjoying really good food. Starting tonight, this is going to become a weekly tradition.

Tonights menu includes.....

Butternut squash soup

Baguette

White wine

Pumpkin dessert bread and coffee or tea

I am really excited to see how this turns out! If anyone has favorite dinner recipes feel free to share!!

Happy Living!

So I pulled out my business card for my counselor and looked at the date only to realize that my appointment was....yesterday. At that moment I was frantically looking for a hole in the ground that I could burry myself in for, lets say, eternity. Lets also say that I had just ordered a scone and tea, oh perfect! I have food right in front of me and my anxiety is through the roof.

Today has been difficult. Not for eating, but just annoying. I had a speech today that was painful, mumbling through it and leaving out a big part of what I was talking about. nice. Sometimes the world just has a negative vibe about it. Today was a negative vibe day.

Tuesday...

I don't know about you, but there are some days that are a struggle to get out of bed. It was 10:00 before I could peal my body out of bed, and even then I was still tired! Whats up with that?! Besides being pretty tired today, it has been alright....not excellent but taking it one moment at a time.

I have recently been exploring the idea of actually getting dressed for class. You know, not sweatpants type of clothes. I am not trying to impress anyone, but I feel better about myself when I put a little effort into what my wardrobe looks like. Another reason for this is that being some what of a shopaholic, I have a lot of clothes and I never where them! So trying to put those outfits to use. I don't mind taking the time to do it either, it makes me feel like I can do more throughout the day. I don't know the psychology behind that one, but i'll take it when I can.

So although I did wear a cute outfit (I think so anyway) today, I still felt a little bad about my appearance. I have not weighed myself for about a week (Yay me!) but I feel like I have gained a few pounds (max 3 is my guess). And when I look in the mirror, I think ummm gross. I hate that. So although today is one of those days where I would love to sign up for the latest diet, I know that what I am doing is healthy! I am not bingeing, I am eating delicious enjoyable meals. I am not purging because I feel good about the food that I am putting into my body. So when the little voice comes into my head that says "you would look so much better 5 lbs lighter" I am going to try my best to stomp its little head into the ground. I look good, I am healthy, I am happy. I am engaging in healthy behaviors. I am loved and cherished. I do not deserve to feel like I need to lose weight. Because I don't need to!

So, one day at a time my love. You are cherished and precious. You are more than what you weigh!! Go easy on yourself on those rough days.

Weekend

The funeral for Emily was on Saturday. It was rainy and cold, almost as if the weather was grieving with us. Nothing hit me fully until I was in the big stone church, seeing her pictures at the entrance, not wanting this to be reality. There was so much pain and sadness among everyone, you could almost feel it. You could certainly see it on everyones faces. The pain that a light had been taken from this earth.

Two moments really stand out looking back on that day. One was when a family member was speaking about her life andhe said that in a teacher evaluation he said that Emily had the ability to make everyone feel important. She later told her parents that that was how she wanted to teach, or more like that was how she wanted to live her life. This was how she was. When you interacted with her you felt like you were part of something special. The second part was when the Roger family greeted the Lloyd family. Two families facing unbearable pain and able to embrace in each other and know that they are not alone. It was beautiful.

I hated the circumstances but I loved seeing the girls of Delta Gamma again. It made me think of what would have been if I stayed at Albion, but the world is full of what ifs. I am glad that I made those memories but I know that Central is where I am supposed to be right now. It was nice to know that they are still there though.

I had a small glimpse today of what life is supposed to be. It is supposed to be about love, friendships, quality time with the people that you love. Life is not about being skinny. People don't love you more if you are 10 pounds less. You don't love yourself if you are 10 pounds less. Your body is there for you to embrace others, to reach out to other people. Emily taught me that. When you give up your earthly body for others and for God, that is when you truly find yourself. Thanks Em for that lesson today:) I love you and cherish who you were and why you were in my life. I carry you with me.

LOVE,

Sarah

Lessons Learned From Emily Lloyd

1. Never underestimate the power of sisterhood. Girlfriends will always be there for you even when others won't be.

2. Smile. Positive energy is infectious and others around you will feed from your joy.

3. Love your Family. They are there from the beginning until the end.

4. Work hard towards your goals. If you are going to do something, go all the way.

5. Be dedicated to your activities. See above.

6. Its ok to spend a whole day watching ridiculous TV or reading a great novel. Those days are good for you.

7. Don't take life too seriously. It is what it is and you will always have time for late night chats over coffee no matter how busy you think you are.

8. Everyone is deserving of love.

9. Take time out of your busy schedule to appreciate the things that matter such as important events for a friend or the starry sky.

10. LOVE.

You changed my life and I am forever grateful.

RIP

How?

Last night around 11:00 I found out that a sorority sister and friend passed away. There is absolutely no way to justify why this happened to a girl of only 22 years. She died spontaneously of a brain aneurism. This girl was simply outstanding. I met her at formal D's and we talked (ver excitedly) about Twilight and other novels that we both loved. She became my "grandmother" in the Delta Gamma family.

Her life was lived to the fullest. She was always there for her sisters and friends. Late night McDonald's run? Sure, sounds great. Emily Lloyd was beautiful, inspiring, and cheerful. Always full of light. Always reaching out to others. I can only come to conclude that she was too good for this world. This is for you Emily Lloyd....

I know we drifted apart but Emily, if you can read this, I admire you. I admire your fun laugh, your ability to make anything exciting, your ability to live each day as if you wouldn't get another. I hope that your place in heaven is filled with beauty. Filled with mountains so you can go snowboarding (and not break your arm :) filled with fuzzy puppies, filled with laughter, sisterhood, and joy. I hope that there are beautiful sunsets, warm chocolate chip cookies, and that you are having lodge sleep overs with Kim :)

You have made your mark on me Emily. You have let me see what life is and how our time on earth should be spent. I love you my darling. Rest in Peace with the Lord.

itb,

Sarah

Pumpkin Spice Lattes

....are fabulous. I am so sad when coffee shops deny me this luxury simply because it is not "pumpkin" season. However, today I sipped a venti PSL from Starbucks while studying with Aaron. Much got accomplished and it was a very enjoyable experience! So, moral of the story, go out and get your self a fancy latte (preferably Pumpkin Spice) and enjoy every last drop!

Sunday Morning Blues

Hi. So this morning was a little hard. It turns out that I have a habit of looking at everything from the worst viewpoint. I was down at myself that I had eaten too much raisin bran making myself a little but too full and not satisfying my appetite. I was thinking how could I eat too much? Stupid, stupid, stupid. What I realized should have been going through my head is, hey you fed yourself this morning. You are taking care of yourself. You have not purged this morning. You have realized that your body needs food and although you have eaten a little much, that probably means that I won't be hungry for a while...and that is fine.

Another frustration was that I felt my lovely tummy looking at me...slowly growing larger. There is not a worse way to crush self confidence than to get into the shower and believe that your already not flat stomach is growing larger...you are a few pounds heavier this morning, you shameful person. However, this is not the end of my life. While I am recovering from my ED, I need to realize that my weight is going to fluctuate. That is normal and expected. What I should be focusing on instead as I step into a warm shower is that today I am going to love my body. Today I am going to nurture, appreciate, and LOVE my body. Today...is going to be a good day.

Love yourself today :)

Enjoying Life

So to say why I am starting blogging again (third time the charm right??), I have found them to be a huge positive influence in my life where those are hard to come by these days. I have been reading self-acceptance blogs like they hold the secret meaning to life and decided that I wanted to join in on the fun. :)

I am also on the recovery path of an eating disorder (gasp)....that is such an icky word. Horrible, painful, confusing, etc. I want this to be a place where I can document my success and failures, thoughts and influences.

Any one who has ever gone through that, you understand how consuming it can be. They start small, little seeds buried in your chest by what someone in second grade said to you, or what your parents did when you were little, and develop into a huge weight that takes over your existence. Making you question why you have to live through this. I went through that, thinking that if I could keep from getting fat, that I was succeeding. It didn't matter that my relationships were failing or that everyday was a chore, at least I could "control" my weight.

I can't even say the exact thing that made me want to stop hurting myself, it was as if a light bulb went off and my brain just said....this isn't healthy. YOU ARENT HEALTHY! Just because you exercise does not make you a healthy individual. So I changed. With help from a dietician and counselor, I am on the rough and rocky road to recovery. So to anyone reading this who is going through the same thing I am, all I can say is....one day at a time sweetheart. You WILL make it.

More gluten free :-)

Gluten free-starting today

There is so much stuff that we put into our bodies that finding what may be the culprit is almost impossible. Having had stomach issues since 7th grade and see countless doctors to see what may be going on, I had almost given up on what to do. However, a family friend recently went gluten free and her symptoms were very similar to mine. So...as a trial, I am going gluten free for a week to see if there is any improvement.

This morning I had scrambled eggs and a banana with peanut butter and an hour after I ate I felt better. Promising? I think so. Even if its not the reason my stomach is always sore...it is definitely a healthy way to live. I am looking forward to what the results are going to be....more to be posted :)

Day 1: Living to the fullest

Day 1. I am not sure what made me decided to put my thoughts into a blog, all I know is that there was a very strong desire to create one this morning so here I am. A lot has happened in the few days so maybe it was unconscious desire to get it out there.

This past Sunday I went to Church with Aaron, the best boyfriend a girl could ask for, and the sermon hit me more than anything has in a very long time. It was a sermon about the feeding of the 5,000 from a few pieces of bread and maybe a fish. One of the key versus from the sermon was from Ephesians 3:20 "God is able to more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us." It also just so happens that my mom has that verse posted around the house, but this time when it was said in this setting it really hit me that the bible story about feeding people, God did that.

This got me thinking of all my worries and anxieties in my life, (I need a job, I need to lose weight, I need better grades, I'm never going to get into grad school, my hair looks really bad today, the list goes on). However, if God is at work within us and He can do more than anything that we can imagine, why not trust the prince and guard of our hearts to take our life and make it more than I could have ever imagined? Those bad hair days seem trivial when you think about it like that.

A big event that is coming up in my life is EAGALA training in Ohio. It is training for Equine assisted Psychotherapy. I am doing an internship with Hope Well ranch after I get back and I really feel that if I let God and let Him work in and through me than this summer could be more than I ever imagined. Equine assisted therapy is what I would call my dream job and something that I felt led to by the guy upstairs in amazing ways. More news to come on that front :)